Written 8/24/05 punlished on anniccaabounds.blogspot.ca/
This is my first time using this format and I hope I keep up with it and like it. Blogs have always seemed so complicated to register for, but I figured what the heck, I would give it a shot.
Yesterday was A’s first day of school. I can hardly believe it. It seems like just last week that summer started and now here she is starting 7th grade. She seems to like it, says math is her favorite subject. It still floors me that any child of mine could have english and literature but love math and science. A looks so almost exactly like me-only darker and prettier-but we could not be further apart personality wise. She is growing up so quickly. I am proud, excited and frightened all at the same time. I am proud that she is growing up healthy, smart, happy and seems to be able to speak up for herself and is not afraid to challenge authority-especially me. I am excited to see what kind of woman she will make, to see her life unfold-it is truly a blessing and a miracle. I am frightened because I fear I have made too many mistakes for her to ever be ok-I am not patient enough, I do not pay her enough attention, I have not supported her enough, I have not enrolled her in enough extra-curricular activities, I have not provided a good male role model for her, I did not expose her enough to musuems and art galleries. I feel like my time as her parent is coming to end and I have not taught her nearly enough to make it in this world. I know I will alwys be her mom, no matter how old she gets, but she ignores me more and listens to me less. I am glad she has her own mind and want her to form her own opinions but afraid I did not tell her all she needed to know when she was young enough to still believe me. Then on another level I realize that this all part of life and if I were to make totally safe for her I would be depriving her of her chance to become an adult. It is the strife and pain in my own life that has made me who I am today-and I LIKE who I am today and would not want to deny her the chance to feel the same way some years down the road. Still, it was easier feeling this way when she younger. I worry for her and know she thinks she can handle anything and worry about what it will be like for her when she realizes not only is the world not what she thought it was, but she is not who she thought she was. Sigh, parenting is so much more complicated now. I find that I truly feel the lack of a co-parent or even a partner to balance me. I continue just hoping I am making the best choices and doing the best I can. To think, I thought parenting would never be more complicated and difficult than when she was small and I had work and school and daycare was an everyday struggle with no end in sight.
I saw my best friends new baby boy yesterday-L W-he is seems so small. Though he really is not since he was 8.5 pounds at birth. Yet he seems so tiny and breakable. He smelled so good and even his cry was sweet, but I was surprised that seeing him and holding him did not make me long for a baby. There was a time when I thought I would never get over not being able to have another baby. Well, I am pretty much over it now. I can not even imagine going through all of that again-sleepless nights, day care, diapers, all of the mountains of stuff babies need, the car seats, the doctors visits, the potty training-YIKES!!!!!! I just have no desire to do that again. Shew! Especially when I am so close to freedom with A, to start that mess all over again. Children are rewarding and nothing in this world compares to parenting-but still, to have only myself and my own needs to consider for even one day-I am not sure I would want to hold that off another 20 or so years. Then the balance of more than one child. I feel sometimes like giving A enough or even most of the attention and emotional needs she has is draining me of life-I just can not imagine the toll carrying the for multiple children would bring. I know it brings multiple joy and blessings as well, but the day to day bullshit is what wears me down. Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework? YES, you have to take a bath!!!!-only every day since the day I brought you home from the hospital, why oh why do I still have to remind you about it everyday? I am just not sure I could do that times 2 or even 3. I remember my mom telling me that 2 kids is way more than just double the work of one kid. Yet, A will have no siblings and as her father is a complete loser-who will she have when I die? Who will rememeber her childhood with her? I worry about her in that regard. She is very social, but no friend is the same as a sibling-the bond is just too different. Yet isn’t life odd, my best friend who never wanted any kids or at most just 1 now has 3 and I who wanted at least 4 kids has just 1.
~~~~~Where ever you go, there you are!